What a Difference a Year Makes...Prologue to My Book

I thought something good could come out of a messed up situation...It did, but the situation became even more messed up than I thought it could ever be.

June 8th is a date that is going to stick out in my mind for the rest of my life. On June 8, 2022, my baby boy was conceived. That day started off like a normal day. I finally went to the dentist after putting it off for months. I had a great checkup and decided to get lunch. While I was eating lunch, Brian calls me and asks

"Where are you, I have been at home waiting for you?

I reply, "I will be home in a little while.

When I get home, Brian is getting ready to leave the house to go drive for Lyft. I remember looking at my period app earlier that day, and it highlights that I am fertile. I also have all of the classic signs of being fertile. I tell Brian this, and he immediately stops what he is doing. We make love, and this time it felt different. I just knew that I was going to conceive. We had been having unprotected sex for almost three months, so I knew it would happen eventually. I just felt in that moment that one of his sperm was going to reach my egg.

A few weeks later, on June 28, 2022, my pregnancy is confirmed with a home pregnancy test. Not only do I get the two pink lines, but the test line is darker than the control line. Over the course of a few days, I take several more pregnancy tests. They are all positive. I even got the Clear Blue one that showed the words "Pregnant." I am ecstatic, and so is he.

However, I knew that our relationship was already on the rocks. I naively believed that this pregnancy and child would prevent the train wreck that was coming down the road.

Fast forward to June 8, 2023. Our baby boy is exactly four months old today. Even though I knew the relationship was essentially over, I was still thinking that something miraculous could happen that would turn it around. Everything about this day felt off. We mostly ignored each other. When I leave to go to the store to get the baby's supplies, Brian stops me. He tells me that he will do it.

Some time later, he comes home with the baby's milk, but no diapers. I ask him why he didn't get the diapers. He tells me that he didn't have the money. He then shows me an account with $-620, which indicates that he had been reckless with his money. I leave the house to get the diapers. When I come back, he leaves the house again.

At this point, I was feeling pretty chill. I knew that things were falling apart, but I just wanted to pretended like I didn't see it right in front of me. I then realize that the internet is off. I also realize that today is the last day to pay the phone bill. I ask him how the phone bill is going to get paid, and he goes ballistic. I had asked my dad for money to pay the bill, and he agreed to give a portion. However, Brian did not want to hear that. He tells my dad that he should come get me because he no longer loves me.

The drive is about a little over two hours. My dad doesn't feel comfortable with me and the baby waiting at Brian's home until I get there, so he calls a friend to come get us. In the meantime, all hell breaks loose.
Brian starts talking crass s**t about me. While he is trying to use his words to cut, I am doing my best to not end his life.

Brian has the type of mouth that he cannot control. He makes you want to close it permanently. In order to keep myself from hurting him, I decide to do damage to his home. I knocked and turned things over. The house is destroyed by the time that I get through with it.

When my dad's friend and I get the belongings loaded into the car, I have to go back into the house to get one more thing. Brian tries to physically stop me from leaving and accuse me of stealing his key's, which I did not do. He eventually lets go of my wrists. I then dig my nails into his arm and draw blood. I also throw the vacuum cleaner at him and leave the house.

This whole thing showed that the line between love and hate is thinner than I thought. One year before this, we were happy and making a baby. This day, we were ready to kill each other. It causes me to stop and ponder. If I could fast forward to the future and see the hell that would happen on this particular day, then would I have let myself get pregnant by him on June 8, 2022?